What Not to Say to Single Women in the Church

Please don’t tell me I just need to stop “thinking” about getting married.

“Are You Sure You’re Putting Yourself out There?” Gaaah. We single women have plenty on our to-do lists (see point number two) without worrying about managing our own dating public relations campaign. As I say in my new book, The Dating Manifesto, unless we’re complete recluses or impossibly socially awkward, we’re in the same circles as everyone else. We go to church, work, school, the bank, Costco, and beyond. I host an international radio show for singles, for goodness’ sake, and I’m still single. Being “out there” is not my problem.


I was at a women’s event at church when it happened.

Sitting at a round table topped with a crisp white tablecloth and spring flowers, the women around me were making small talk as we sipped tea and nibbled on scones. Actually, the other ladies were nibbling. I downed two scones in the first five minutes of sitting down, but let’s not split hairs.

As I was brushing crumbs from my chin, the middle-aged woman next to me asked mildly, “So, are you married? Do you have children?”

“No, I’m single. No kids.” I replied.

“Oh, I’m sorry. Do you want to be married?”

“Yeah, I’ve always wanted to be married.”

“Well, you hang in there. Sometimes it takes a while. I didn’t marry my husband until I was 25.”

My 38-old single self stared at her blankly, wondering if she was trying to be funny.

She wasn’t.

This woman apparently thought 25 was pushing spinsterhood. Thank goodness her husband rescued her before she hit 26, accumulated 12 cats, and retreated to her apartment to die—alone and unwanted.

If you’re a single woman, you’ve probably been on the receiving end of awkward, flippant, misguided, and even downright hurtful comments about your single status. If you’re not single, maybe you’ve been guilty of dishing out such comments. Or maybe you’re so afraid of saying something wrong that you choose to say nothing at all.

Don’t despair. Sometimes we single women can be too sensitive about our singleness. And, almost always, even the worst comments are made with good intentions. That said, here are a few of the “repeat offenders”—statements that tend to do more harm than good and are better avoided altogether in conversation with us singletons.

  1. “Stop Thinking About Marriage, and When You Least Expect It, It’ll Happen.”

Naturally, you want your single girlfriends to be happy. And if thinking about marriage (and their lack of it) makes them sad, the best solution is to stop thinking about it, right?

Not really. If I desire to be married someday, telling me to stop thinking about marriage is like telling me to stop thinking about cream-filled donuts. The more I will myself to forget them, the more they pop into my mind. And the more they pop into my mind, the more I want to eat one (or seven). It’s just going to happen.

Besides, marriage is a good thing. It’s for most people. Plus, it was designed by God himself, and he’s a big fan of it. I don’t think God wants any of us to stop thinking about marriage. In fact, Hebrews 13:4says that “marriage is to be honored by all.” That includes singles.

  1. “I Need My Husband to Hurry up and Help Me with _____ [Insert Task, Chore, or Project Here].”

Griping about the things your husband isn’t doing around the house or the things you’re afraid to do without him is really annoying for single women. Hey, our husbands aren’t doing them either because guess what? We don’t have husbands.

Being single is hard, especially when it comes to the everyday tasks of life. I’m responsible for all of my home and car maintenance, bills, travel, safety and security, taxes, and more. This is in addition to holding a full-time job, maintaining relationships, and serving in my church. It’s overwhelming on most days.

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