I Just Unhitched Jesus From The Old Testament, And You Won’t Believe What Happened Next

What’s all this stuff in the book of Hebrews about priests and the Most Holy Place and a guy named Melchizedek? It feels kinda like Old Testament stuff to me, and I’m definitely done with that. That horse has been put out to pasture and shipped to the glue factory (that’s how that analogy goes, right?) I’m thinking I should probably unhitch Hebrews as well.

Following the advice of pastor Andy Stanley, I just unhitched Jesus from the Old Testament. Boy does it ever feel good to be rid of that old thing. It totally cluttered up the first 2/3 of my Bible. And really, it was so irrelevant to modern Christians, am I right?

Plus, have you ever tried to find the book of Habakkuk? It’s like trying to find a needle in a stack of needles, which I can tell you from experience is extraordinarily painful.

I am, however, slightly confused. A few things don’t make sense to me.

And honestly, Galatians is a little on the weird side. It’s like, who are Sarah and Hagar, and why are they so mad at each other? What is this, Jersey Shore? Definitely need to unhitch this as well. Farewell, Galatians.

Can we also talk about 2 Corinthians 3? Why does Paul keep going on and on about Old and New Covenants? I’m like, “Dude, we’ve got the resurrection. Why do you keep looking for love in all the wrong places?” Kylo Ren had it right when he said, “Let the past die.” Time to unhitch 2 Corinthians.

We should probably talk about this cryptic genealogy at the beginning of Matthew as well. It’s like something out of a Dan Brown novel. Maybe The Genealogy Code could be his next bestseller. But I certainly don’t need this in my Bible. When I read it, here’s what I see:

Unimportant person
Unimportant person
Don’t care
Who’s this?
Never even heard this name
Is this guy from Game of Thrones?
JESUS

Excuse me for a second while I unhitch Matthew.

I’m gonna be totally honest, John lost me in the first paragraph. As soon he says, “In the beginning,” I’m out. JOHN, WE DON’T CARE ABOUT THE BEGINNING. WE CARE ABOUT NOW. Unhitch.

And frankly, Romans has to go too. Abraham? The Law? Gentiles being grafted in (whatever the heck that means)? No thanks, Paul. It seems like you missed the memo. We’re done with that. You might as well be talking about The Beach Boys to my ten-year-old.

After unhitching everything, my Bible has four pages in it. But let me tell you, those are really important, relevant pages. This is the Christianity I need, and this is what the world needs to hear.

Thanks, Andy.

This article first appeared on Stephen Altrogge’s website, The Blazing Center, and is used with permission.